Archive for the ‘Ex-Factor’ Category

As it turns out, I am that girl who goes through her boyfriend’s Skype conversations with other women. Well, just one woman. My partner has never given me a reason to not trust him; ever. However, yesterday I found myself pouring over months of dialogue between him and his “friend.” As I read, I was floored by the negativity spewed by him towards me and the love and support that was so generously given to her. I never knew I was such a bad person, or girlfriend. I never knew that bad girlfriends sacrifice familial relationships, buy expensive gifts, spend money on airfare and fly around the country just to please their man. What have I been doing wrong? I now know what it feels like to be the good person in a relationship who gets the shitty end of the stick.

I am so heartbroken. Every time I think about him or look at him, I am filled with disappointment and loss. How could he not think about me when talking about his sexual preferences with another woman. How could she be so disrespectful towards me and he not come to my defense. Where was the loyalty? Did I ever have his respect? He told me that he’s scared to open up to me. I understand that; I have exponential expectations. Why, then, would he torture himself so much? Why would he stay with me, if he was so unhappy? Granted, this “friend” is the only friend he has. He said he needs someone to vent to about me. That makes sense. I have plenty of friends. But I never bash him the way that he did about me. And I would never let anyone else say rude things about him, no matter how angry I was. Isn’t that common courtesy, or what people do when they love someone?; Protect them no matter what? I just wish he could see how she’s playing him. He feeds into her need of attention and her need to steal first place. She would care less about him if he were single. He’s forgotten how much she hurt him in the past. He knows what she’s doing, and its sad to see him sink to her level in order to “buy” someone’s friendship.

I am mean to him. I hate him sometimes and dislike him most of the time. But I am in love with him. I want what’s best for him more that he wants it for himself.

I’ll never trust him again. I feel like curling up into a ball and crying. He’ll never be able to love me the way that I need and want him to. I am scared of him and what he is capable of doing to my heart. Neither of us are happy. We’re just two lonely people who need to be connected to someone else.

I have to let him go.

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Ex-Factor

Posted: July 31, 2010 in Ex-Factor
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Red flag: Wearing a Lacoste polo and lily white Air Forces to help me move.

I should have known better.